Don't worry, I'm still here! My first child was born last week and he has been keeping me busier than the Subaru.
Thanks for all of your replies! NY state allows 2 incomplete monitors for pre-2000 cars, but I had 3 not ready so there was no way to get through inspection without clearing 1 more monitor. Also, NY will give you a one year waiver in this situation, but only if you've spent more than $450 in repairs to the emissions system (not sure where that rule comes from...).
So after calling several more Subaru dealerships, all of which said either to keep driving the car, or that I would need to bring it in so they could look at it (for a charge, of course), I finally found someone who seemed to know what they were talking about -- at Koeppel Subaru in Queens (if I have issues in the future, I will definitely be going to them). A woman in the service department there said I could drive until I'm blue in the face and the monitors will still read incomplete unless I complete the following drive pattern: accelerate to 50 MPH, drive for at least 3 minutes without braking, decelerate to 30 MPH, then accelerate again to 50 MPH, and drive for at least 3 minutes again without braking. If I end up having to brake, then I have to start all over again. I did ask her whether I should then check the OBD before keying off, and she said, it didn't matter, once the monitors are ready they will stay ready -- so I could drive the pattern at night when traffic is lighter and then just bring it to my mechanic the next day (which was good news, because trying to drive at 50 without braking during the day in the middle of Brooklyn sounded like a recipe for disaster!).
Then I read the information posted above about the monitors clearing on key-off and got worried that even if I followed her advice, it might not work unless I tested the OBD while my car was still running. So I decided it would be best to try to complete the drive pattern during the day so I could take it directly to my mechanic (I really do no recommend trying this at home, at least if you live in NYC!).
Anyhow, yesterday I drove the car for about 15 minutes of normal city driving to get to a highway, then accelerated to 50 and drove for 3 minutes without braking, decelerated to 30, then accelerated to 50 and drove for 8 minutes (for good measure) without braking, then decelerated again to 30 (for good measure) and then drove at 50 for 2 minutes before being forced to brake in order to avoid risking my life. Then I drove another 15 minutes of normal city driving to get to my mechanic, LEFT THE CAR RUNNING, and had him check the OBD and ALL MONITORS WERE READY
So, I'm not sure exactly what did the trick, the drive pattern itself, or just driving for a while and then not keying off before running the OBD test, but if anyone has this problem in the future on a 96 I would suggest following the same routine that I did and hopefully you will get a similar result.
Thanks again for all of your*advice! Hopefully I will be able to contest those tickets since it wasn't really my fault. Oh well, now back to my little Oliver...